Milestone

Mmm... Well, I'm not sure if this would be considered a "milestone," but it seemed like a fitting title. Somehow, "The time period where I'm trying to figure out my life and not be lame about it" was just too long of a title.

I guess I'm going though something that everyone goes through once, twice, three, four...?... (you get the point) times in his or her life. Its something that some people embrace while others... they shy away from it.

I'm talking about...

Change.

Specifically, I'm talking about my life after graduating from undergrad. I knew it wasn't going to be easy, and I knew that I would go through a lot of struggles during this time. I don't have a degree in a very applicable area (Japanese Studies and Chinese studies are, shockingly, not specific enough to land me a job that I want), and I most certainly do not have enough experience in work to get anywhere in life. Haha. And it's been a struggle for me.

Now, I don't mean to write about this to point out how sad I am and how pitiful my life is. I don't want people to think that I am wallowing in my lack of a direction or anything. In fact, in all honesty, I know that I have many more blessings than I deserve. I have a roof over my head, clothes to wear on my back, a loving family, a loving church, a loving community, and a job.

So... Why am I struggling through this?


The other day, while I was sharing about my day with my pastor and his wife, he asked me if I was stressed. My reply was a quick and definite: YES. I'm STRESSED.

He laughed and said, "That, is very blatantly, sin."

What? Sin?? Can't a girl catch a break? Isn't it natural to get stressed when you're tired? There's no need to go as far as to call it sin...

... or is it?

But, the more I thought about it, the more I realized how accurate he was. True, it may be just "stress" that I am going through. But, at the heart of it, I lack trust and faith in God's plan. I don't know what I'm doing with my life right now and, therefore, I panic. I want God to reveal to me exactly what I should be doing, exactly how I should do it, and... I want it all right now.

As of right now, I can honestly say that I'm... unsatisfied. The job that I have, though it is a blessing to even have a job, has nothing related to what I want to do in the future (of course, when friends and family ask, I can certainly twist it in certain ways that make it sound like it is). It's a small company that forces me to take on a lot more responsibilities than I expected for a part-time, entry level position. It's stressful and draining. And, while it does prepare me for working life and dealing with authority figures in the work place... most people will agree with me in concluding... I probably need to get another job.

Of course, God usually has something else in mind. :P

And, naturally, God has something in His Word that directly speaks to such a situation:

[Romans 5:3-5]
"Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not pust us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." (NIV)

Whatever it is that I am going through right now... God is allowing me to go through it for a reason. I am to grow and to learn from this struggle and, hopefully, emerge wiser and more mature.


There. Simple right? Now that I understand why God is putting me through these challenges, I should happily embrace these challenges and thank God for allowing me to go through them.

But, I think there comes to a point in my life where I have to recognize when God is telling me to persevere and when He is telling me to take a leap of faith.

What do I mean by that?

I believe, in certain instances, God is telling me that I should stand firm to my ground, and accept my circumstances as challenges that will mold me and grow me. In other instances, I believe that it may be time to move on.

This is where change comes in. Now, I can sit here all night and talk about how, if I stay at my current job, I can learn about small businesses, learn about dealing with stress, learn about interacting with customers and people, etc. But, at the heart of it... I know that this is not a place where I can make a career. I know that God has something bigger and better planned for me, and I know that, one day, I will have to leave my current job and trust in God's plan elsewhere.

The question is: When? When will the change occur? Is it now?

As I pray and meditate on what God wants me to do... I lean towards the idea that God wants me to move and to change. And... here... is where fear enters. Fear of changing. Fear of taking the leap of faith and allowing God to be in control.

And that is where I stand now. At the edge of a forest (pardon me for my cliche), afraid to walk in because I'm afraid to discover new things. All because I'm too comfortable with this little patch of grass that I've been sitting on. And, even though the grass makes me itchy and annoys me sometimes, I'd still rather sit on this grass and convince myself that this grass is already plenty green and that I can still discover new and exciting things. Like that little ladybug that flew by, or the morning dew on the blades of grass. I'm too scared to walk into the forest and allow God to bless me and show me new wonders.

I'm not an adventurer.

But God calls me to have courage and embrace change.